On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
