I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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