Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
