dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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