Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
