Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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