I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
