we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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