My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
