True but thats because hes a fetus.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
