but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
