Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
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