I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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