When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Someone came in the potted fern
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
