John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
