Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
