The maid of honor just puked.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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