Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
