girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
