so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
That was an excessively violent trivia night
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
