Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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