I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
