Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
