Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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