Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
