yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
