One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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