he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
