This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
