her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
you didnt know i had herpes?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
