it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
