my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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