We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
