I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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