So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
