she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
