i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
