two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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