Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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