benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
