the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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