Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
