I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
