You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
