five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
