dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I have fence marks all over my body
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
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