I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
