I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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