i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up