In the future we'll all be gay
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.