You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
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every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
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Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.