tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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