my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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