this beer tastes like vomit already
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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