so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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