How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
