And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
