ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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