you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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