she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dignity is for republicans.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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