Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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